Chris Voss - Never Split the Difference, Talks at Google

0:08Well, there's a lot more space between yes and no than most of us realize. You know, sometimes we get into sort of a binary on-off yes-no sort sort of thinking we don't realize how much space there really is there. If we just give the other side a little bit of time to sort of think, a moment

0:23if you will. Um, there's some data out there that indicates to us that a moment is just 3 seconds and the three 3 seconds can be an eternity for mind process. So, the thing that's also really interesting about that and I think it's one of the uh completely different approaches we take in the book is what

0:38happens after the other side says no. Now, earlier on in my career I came across a book that I that I still refer to all the time called Start With No by a guy named Jim Camp and and Camp's theory was if you make the other side feel free that they can say no at any time, then it respects her autonomy, they'll they'll relax a little bit more, they'll be more willing to work with you just

0:59knowing that it's okay to say no. So, we decided to take it one step further and see what happens when someone actually says no. And since yes is protection or no, yes is commitment and we don't know what we've got ourselves into, which is why we're scared to say yes, but no is protection that typically what we find is as soon as somebody says no if they feel protected, they tend to relax, they center a little bit more, and they can think more quickly, which is exactly

1:29what happened with you. You inadvertently triggered a no. You you remained very pleasant in the way you talked to her and we know that if we're pleasant to interact with, it actually helps the other person think better because your mind works up to 31% more effectively if you're in a positive frame of mind. So, when you're in a positive frame of mind, it triggers it in somebody else

1:52and it makes them smarter. Just by smiling at them, having a having you you've got a wonderful tone of voice. So, she's already making this person smarter by the way she interacts with them. She says, "Your counterpart says no." which she now sort of centers herself and triggers. You give her a moment in time, and the next thing you know, she's throwing ideas at you and working it out. And that's finding that space between yes and no. And many times, it's triggered when the other person actually says no because they feel protected and they feel safe. And people are more likely, once they feel protected and

2:26safe, to interact with you. Because you never know what's going through the other person's mind when you start talking with them. There's probably four or five things that have been going through their mind throughout the day. So, giving them a chance to sort of focus on you is the other thing that no does. And and I'll give you I'll give you another hint. Like I we never call anybody on the phone and say, "Have you

2:43got a few minutes to talk?" ever. Because if you say that to somebody, a whole bunch of things start going through their mind. How long is a few minutes? If I have a few minutes, do I want to talk to you? Do I even like you? All these things go through their mind. We all Whenever we call someone, we say,

2:56"Is now a bad time to talk?" And we you get one of two uh responses on that. The person will say, "No, no. It's never a bad time to talk. What do you want to talk about?" And they're very focused. Or they'll say, "Yeah, as a matter of fact, it is, but I can talk at 2:00 tomorrow." And and you get a uh you get a scheduled time to talk. Now, to follow up that, if nothing good happens in that space that happens after that, the next most important thing to do is get the other person to say, "That's

3:24right." Not, "You're right." but "That's right." And you get a you get a "That's right." when you summarize a situation from the other person's point of view. Don't be afraid to summarize a situation that sounds like it's against your best interests. I mean, that's actually the key to it, and we've broken open a

3:43number of negotiations. But it's a summary of what the other person the facts and how the other person sees them. And "That's will then move you forward in like ridiculously phenomenal ways. Cuz think of the number of times when you've heard someone on TV or you've seen a slogan that you totally agreed with

4:05and your reaction is that's right. You know, that's right is when you completely agree with something and you think it's a complete truth. So that's a powerful thing to get somebody to say. The other thing I think it is is we think it is is if someone you're talking to says it to you, they're telling you they feel empathy with you for that at that brief moment and there's a difference between

4:29empathy and sympathy. Um but when they feel empathy from you, they feel connected with you and they and they want to collaborate. So if you get a no the very next most important thing to try to get out of somebody is that's right.