I Spent 9 Years LETTING GO... (I Wish I Knew This Sooner)

0:00- When it comes to letting go, what I always say is "quality over quantity." This is the first mistake people make. They find out about letting go. You might watch my videos, you're like, "I'm gonna do it." And I'll get comments like this saying, "Okay, Julian, I love how you talk about letting go. If I were to let go all day every day,

0:21how long would it take?" - [Attendee] Forever. - "For real, if I just woke up, even in my sleep, I'm listening to the meditations, and I wake up and like, that's all I do, just let go, let go, let go, how long would it take?" And my answer is, it's not about how much. It's about the quality of your release, meaning there are some people who can do releases every day for years and not make much progress if they make certain mistakes

0:47and if they only scratch the surface. What determines quality? The first thing is not making newbie errors when it comes to letting go. This is the big one, meaning the way that people interpret this idea of letting go is, "I'm going to get rid of." So say you have some anxiety, you hear, "Let go of it," what do you think?

1:10Get rid of it then, right? You might do the meditation. There's different breathing techniques, and you're like, "Shh," and you're like trying to push it out. Does that help? No, that's not letting go, 'cause going deeper, and again, this is a bit more advanced, what's the assumption under it? This is bad. I need to get rid of it. But by labeling it as bad, you're resisting it,

1:35and whatever you resist persists. That's the whole foundation of letting go, is that internally there's attachment and resistance, attachment to feeling certain things, resistance to feeling other things. Attachment to good emotions, resisting bad emotions, right? Attachment to only being this part of me, being the expressive, loud, fun part of me, resisting other parts of me.

1:57So there's, again, this pull within. Letting go means no attachment, no resistance. Whatever's there, whatever is running you, wants to leave on its own if you let it, which is why you hear me also talk about when teaching letting go, it's about experiencing it fully without the attachment, without the resistance. What are you letting go of? That, not the thing.

2:21So if you're trying to push it out, you're forever stuck. So that's one common newbie mistake, okay? Instead of, for example, on the exhale, it's moving towards it and sinking into it. That's how I visualize it. Imagine you're swimming in a pool, and you wanna sink under water in a graceful way. What do you do?

2:41(exhales) You blow the air out and you're, shh, right? The same with letting go. There's this thing (groans). (exhales) You blow the resistance out and you sink into it. And a good audit to see if you're doing the letting go meditation right is, am I moving towards it or away from it? Pushing it out is moving away from it, I want to just to get rid of this,

3:05and that will never get to the cause. You can also audit all the go-to ways of coping. They're always moving away from. "I don't feel good, so maybe if I express it, I'll get rid of it," right? People feel angry and they yell, "Ah!" Still there, right? Moving away from. They might also try to numb it.

3:24"No, I don't feel good. Let me get some alcohol, cigarettes, drugs, food, trying to numb and change it," but it's still moving away from. Same with distraction. "Oh, let me scroll on TikTok, watch some TV, music." Moving away from. So proper letting go is actually moving towards and allowing yourself to experience what you previously weren't willing to experience.

3:45That's what releases the charge behind it. So that's just the surface, not making newbie mistakes when it comes to letting go. That's one out of three of a quality release. The other is not just focusing on the surface but tapping into what I call the reservoir, meaning what a lot of people do is they wait for times where they might not feel too pleasant or times where they get triggered, and then they just kind of breathe

4:11into what they're feeling. And that's better than nothing, to be clear, but if you think of, say, there's this reservoir within you that's been just building over the years, all this stuff you're stuffing down, oftentimes when you're triggered, it's when something just pokes at it and it overflows. And if you only focus on the overflow, great, you're processing that,

4:31but you never tap into the reservoir. And this is where you must combine letting go with deep introspection. Now there are two big techniques that I teach my clients. The first is following the trail of whys, meaning whatever it is that's holding you back, you better start asking yourself, "Why, why, why?" For example, "I'm scared of what people think of me."

4:55Great. Why? "Because then they could think negatively of me." Why is that scary? "Because then I could get rejected." Why is that scary? "Because if I'm rejected, I'm alone." So notice how you went deeper to I'm alone. Fear of being alone versus fear of what people think of you. Fear of being alone over versus fear of rejection. The deeper you go, the more valuable it is, but you must challenge yourself to go deeper and not just stay at the surface saying the same thing

5:21with different words. For example, "I'm scared of rejection." Why? "Because then people will reject me." Why? "Because then they won't like me." Okay, that's the same thing. Go deeper, go deeper, and never say, "I don't know." That sentence is banned when it comes to my teachings, meaning a part of you knows. You might not know now, but stay open. If you say, "I don't know,"

5:40it's an easy cop out to just not dive deep. So trail of whys is one. And the beauty of this, it's the good old files versus folders, is that when you process those deeper things, you actually accomplish a lot more, meaning files could be all the different external situations in your life that trigger you. So say we take,

6:01"Oh, in this situation, I care what the person thinks. I care what my boss thinks. I care what this thinks. This (vocalizes)." But if you go deeper, like we said, fear of rejection, fear of being alone, the fear of being alone is a folder. Within the fear of being alone, there are all the situations externally

6:16in which this fear manifests. So instead of tackling every situation one by one, tackle the fear of being alone and (claps) you get them all. Make sense? - Yeah. - So diving deep, following the trail of whys, but not just that, combining it with what I call shadow questions. A shadow question, if you think of yourself,

6:38there's two worlds inside of you. There's the world that you're aware of and the world that you're not aware of. Conscious, subconscious, right? Or if you're familiar with the work of Carl Jung, your shadow. That's where the gold is. That's where the things that really run you are at. If there's any situation in your life where you feel this kind of tug of war where I consciously want to go there,

6:57but you just feel yourself not being aligned, right? Resistance, procrastination, fear. You just feel yourself being pulled back. The force that's pulling you back is buried in your subconscious. It's in your shadow. It's out of your awareness. If you're aware of it, you'd be able to work on it, which is also why a lot of people who only work on the conscious, they can optimize everything,

7:15but they still aren't getting the results they want. And then what they do is they double down thinking that the solution is more mentally complex, and they look for advanced tips and tricks. No, if you reach that point where it's like, "More techniques, more advanced," realize the solution's in a different paradigm. It's actually in the subconscious.

7:34It's about identifying that and letting go of it. Now what's buried in your shadow or subconscious is buried down there for a reason. It's buried down there because part of you believes that becoming aware of it may threaten your survival. And there are many ways and processes to bring this up. It's a lot of my coaching. But one powerful tool is asking yourself shadow questions, and you could think of these as probes that you send down (imitates fluttering) in your subconscious

8:01and see if an answer shoots up. Now the thing with shadow questions though is that you don't want to analyze the validity of the questions, meaning you want to get to know your shadow, you better learn how to speak the language of your shadow. Here's an example of a shadow question. Why don't you deserve success? Now notice the immediate,

8:22probably default responses is, "I do! What are you talking about? I do." Why are you a terrible person? "I'm not. I'm a great person." Resist that urge and don't analyze the question, meaning, yes, you're a great person, yes, you deserve success, but this is about asking your shadow. Is there perhaps a part of you believes you don't?

8:43And listen to what comes up. "Why am I not good enough?" "'Cause you're ugly." Well, make a note. That's getting to know your shadow. In a way, it's playing the devil's advocate. If you're someone who just procrastinates again and again and again, a good shadow question is, "Well, hey, why do you like failing so much?"

9:01"I don't." Well, maybe a part of you does if that's what keeps happening. Get to find the reason, then you can work on it, and you're good. So combining that with trail of whys is also very key. There's a client today on a mentoring call I had earlier, this morning, and it was about fear, right?

9:19So he's like, "I just have a lot of fear." Even on the call, it's like a zoom call, he's like, "My heart's beating really fast. It's beating really fast." So I ask him, first question, what do you think it is? - Why? - Why, good. One person paying attention? Yes, why? (attendees chuckling) So why?

9:35First thing he said, "Well, I don't know." What did I say? - [Attendee] Never say that. - Yeah, never say, "I don't know." But then he fell into the second trap of staying at the surface, which is, "Well, it just kind of always been like that," blah, blah. I'm like, "No, no, no, don't cop out. Dive deep." So he's like, "Well, I kind of fear

10:00what people on this call would think of me?" I'm like, "What would be outcome you fear the most?" "That they think I'm just not confident and kind of low value?" "What's so bad about of them thinking that? What if they think you're low value? So what?" "Well, then people could take advantage of me." Okay, so we're going deeper, it's good, but notice how some of that's already combined,

10:23shadow questions with why, but then I flip it. I'm like, "okay, why don't you trust us?" and that kind of threw him off, 'cause think about it. If you're in a group, like, "I'm scared if people are low value, then they think, they'll take advantage of me." "Why do you think we're gonna take advantage of you?

10:38Why don't you trust us? Why do you view us as being out to get you? Now immediately resistance kick in. "No, I don't. I don't." I'm like, "It's okay. This is part of the shadow work. Dive deeper and see." So you wanna start combining that. You can even slip in another question, which is asking yourself, "When did I first start experiencing this,

10:57or thinking this, or believing this?" and trace it back in time. So say for him, it's like, "Oh, my heart's beating. Oh, I'm afraid people are gonna view me a certain way, so I need to act a certain way or they're gonna take advantage of me. I can't be seen." When did you start feeling that? When did that come about?

11:14'Cause once more, you weren't born that way. Trace it back in time. And it's okay if you don't remember the first time, but just the act of reflecting on that adds depth. And what you can then do is combine all that with letting go. So instead of just jumping, for example, to the letting go meditation, do the introspection first, and then the sensations that are left there,

11:37(exhales) release. Make sense? And on your end too, you gotta cultivate this type of thinking and introspection. There are many of examples of it, even in on the content I put online on YouTube, where if you see some client breakdowns, watch those. Most people just watch and like, "Oh, okay, that's cool. Oh, it's inspiring." Great, take the value there, but if you want to go one step further,

11:58put yourself in my shoes. When you see me talking to people, asking certain questions, there might be one or two that I'll throw out at first just to get things going, but every question that follows comes from something that they said. Let that land. And your job, if you dissect it, and this will really help you,

12:16is why did Julian ask that person that? Here's what they said before. And you'll see a lot of examples of trail of whys, when was the first time, and shadow questions. That's literally the process here. And it's a lot easier said than done, it's a whole skill to develop, but when you see it and kind of see the mechanics, the behind the scene mechanics of how it works,

12:37what can you do? You can turn the mirror around and apply it to you. And that's what you want to do with yourself, with everything and anything that runs you. The same with, it's like, "Oh, I really need a partner." Why? Why do you assume you're, why are you incomplete without a partner? Now it's flipping it around.

12:58When did you start feeling this incomplete? "This." Okay, why do you feel this incomplete? Combining all the tools, that's the depth, okay? So introspection, letting go, that's number two. And number three, it's not rushing the process, meaning the type of letting go that I do, funny enough, is I listen to my own meditations, for real,

13:25my own voice guiding me through it. Can you guess why? - [Attendee] So your mind goes deep. - Because I have a beautiful voice. (attendees chuckling) What do you think? No, because, yes, you don't want to engage the mind. You really want to feel. If you're trying to guide yourself through it at the same time, it's too much thinking.

13:43So I'll do my own guided releases. I'll do two to three a week around certain themes, and then I'll do a morning release five to six times a week. That's my average schedule. Sometimes I'll do more, sometimes less, but on average, that's what I stick to, to this day. Let it land. I'm still working on myself too. I've made a ton of progress, but I'm not perfect,

14:03and no one will ever be perfect. However, the key when letting go, and I tell this to my clients too, is don't be afraid to pause your way through, meaning don't just rush it, 'cause people do that too. "Hey, I'm doing the release." Play (trills), and play (trills), and. Yeah, but you're just scratching the surface.

14:21If you're rushing, you gotta stay with it. And that's the other thing too, with the meditation, the release, there's certain questions asked in the meditation, which what does that do? Adds to the introspection. So it's a process of diving deep and letting go. And what I tell people is, any word you hear, any question that it's asked of you, like in the release,

14:39pause and take your time. Do some breathing cycles, as much as you need. The record for a 20-minute audio meditation is a client who extended it to around five hours. - Sure. - Yeah, his name was Kevin. Great guy in the UK. He would do this. He would also do the meditations at work. He worked in a office, in a cubicle, and he'd run to the bathroom multiple times a day

15:01to do the releases. And he added the depth. He added the quality. He wouldn't just do them thinking as well that, "The meditation alone's the magic pill. If I just do it, it'll work." No, it's what you bring to the meditation, and his progress was significant. So this is what I mean when I say quality of release,

15:19not just quantity, quality. And also changing your approach with letting go and releasing where, and this is a bit more advanced, at first, people just wanna let go to accomplish X, Y, Z. That's usually the beginning. And that's normal, right? Like all of you are like, "Okay, I wanna let go to be more confident.

15:36I wanna let go to make more money. I wanna let go so I don't procrastinate," so on and so forth, means to an end. "I wanna let go to forgive. I wanna let go to get rid of the negativity." And that's good to get you going, but eventually the shift that happens is that letting go ceases to be this chore,

15:52this means to an end, this thing. You're like, "Fine, I'll do the letting go (vocalizes)," and you actually start enjoying it and becomes a moment to sit down with yourself and honor what you're feeling and honor yourself, 'cause think about it, that's letting go. It's the no attachment, no aversion, and that feels really good. In a way, that's your default way of being,

16:11but no one teaches us that, right? From the moment you're born, you're taught to not actually feel what's going on. Same with growing up, right? Maybe you're a little sad, and what do your parents say? "Hey, put a smile on that face. Why are you so sad? You shouldn't be sad." "Oh, I guess you're right. Don't be sad." Crazy, yeah, what do you actually want to hear

16:29when you're sad? Like picture it, last time any of you were like really, really sad. What were you secretly hoping someone would tell you? - It's okay. - Yeah. Funny enough, that's in my humble opinion, the ideal type of parenting. It's going up, say your kid's crying, it's, "Hey, it's okay to feel what you're feeling,

16:48and I'm gonna be here with you as you feel it." And that's it. It gives the person permission that, "Hey, what you're feeling is okay," 'cause what happens? If you do the opposite, not only do you feel bad, but then you feel bad about feeling bad, and they feel bad about feeling bad about feeling (vibrates lips) amplifies, versus,

17:04"Hey, it's okay to feel bad, and I'm here with you. You got this." But no one tells us that, so we stuff down and stuff down and mold who we are, and again, create these fake fronts. And then we've been acting through these fake fronts for so long. we've convinced ourselves, "This is me."

17:21Is it? And that's the other thing. Who you think you are, the authentic you, what if that's the front, but you've just been acting that way for so long. Now this also brings in a deeper layer where letting go can be scary, meaning properly doing this, quality, not quantity, changes a lot. It changes a lot in terms of who you are.

17:46It can change your personality. It can change your interest. It could even change your social polarity, where some people you resonated with before, you just (claps) don't resonate with them at all. Now what does that actually mean? It means that they only resonated with the fake front, not you, but it can disrupt that.

18:01It can disrupt a lot. And this is often where people start freaking out. It's also not linear. It's not feel better, feel better, feel better. Sometimes you'll let go, and you'll open a pocket of grief or a pocket of anger, and you're just sitting in that for days or weeks. That can happen, but that's part of it. It's going through.

18:19Most people try to go around and find all the ways. Didn't work, you gotta go through. But when you process it, so many things start changing, and that's when people freak out. They're like, "I wanna go back to how things were before." No, keep going. This is the destruction phase of transformation. Don't fall for the self-help hype. Self-help's peachy.

18:37If you're doing it right, every day is better than the last. (attendees chuckling) I mean, yes, overall it gets better, but, no, there's crazy ups and downs. It can even ruin relationships, for real. You might be in a long-term relationship, and then you realize, "Wow, this is actually all based off a front." Crazy.

18:54Oh, actually let a bit more of the real me come out. Person actually doesn't like the real me. Whoa. That's also part of it. And it's making that agreement with yourself before even doing this work where, hey, is it worth it? And that's the thing, people are stuck in a comfort zone. When you start letting go, it's not like you expand it.

19:12You destroy it. So you have to go through the destruction, and you have to swim across into the unknown (clicks tongue) to the promised land. And in that swimming across (vibrates lips), every part of you's gonna be like, "Go back to how it was before. Go back to how it was before." You might even notice your urge to escape

19:28or distract or numb yourself, also amplify. Say there was something unpleasant deeply buried within. Well, letting go means becoming aware and processing. Becoming aware is not comfortable, right? Say it's also at the cause of a lot of your escapism. Like anytime it kind of comes up, you're like, "I just need a drink! I just need a drink!" Well, by doing the work and bringing it up like proactively, the more it comes up into your awareness,

19:52the more the urge to escape is there. So people also sometimes like, "I just need to escape more. I feel like I'm doing it wrong." No, you're doing it right, but you just gotta stay vigilant and not escape and keep feeling, for real. Which by the way, another fun habit, identify all your ways to escape or numb or distract

20:10or whatnot, and replace that with letting go. That's actually the best time to let go. Why? 'Cause something's bubbling up, and it's easier to catch it here than all the way down there under those layers of resistance. I've had multiple clients do this, especially when it comes to smoking, where they're always smoking like,

20:29"Oh, when I feel stressed, I'm smoking, I'm smoking." I'm like, "Well, your pack of cigarette, toss 'em all out. Take pieces of paper, roll them up as a cigarette and write on it, "Do a release." So anytime now they're reaching for the cigarette, it's, oh, do a letting go meditation. Change the habit. And just that, the change is drastic.

20:48But that can happen on your journey there. And then it's also reminding yourself that you don't wanna go back 'cause that's what led you on this journey in the first place. Going back would lead you to the same thing. "Ah, I don't want this, I want that. I want more, ah." So keep going.

21:03Yeah, it's not pleasant, but what else are you gonna do? Yeah, I can take also some time, but what else are you gonna do? That's the thing that kept me going. It's like, well, what other choice do I have? "But it's hard." Well, what else you can do? You tried everything else. Didn't work.

21:17"Well, but it's not comfortable." Well, what else are you gonna do? Keep going, okay? So on your end too, reflect on your journey of self-help. Have you been optimizing, compensating, perfecting the front or have you been diving deep? Have you been diving into the things within you that scare you the most? And that's the thing, it's turning around and facing those inner demons directly and realizing, too,

21:42that the fear that you had around them was a bluff. It's why you hear me talk so much about face fears bluff. Just like a kid who fears a monster in a closet, that's what's going on inside. There's all these monsters buried in you, again, monsters, and by letting go, it's you opening all these closets and realizing that there were no monsters there

22:03to begin with. However, what that means is up until the point where the closet is open, you're gonna be freaking out as if there was a monster. (attendees agreeing) Right? If a kid thinks a monster's in the closet, you tell that kid, "Go open it." (attendees chuckling) The whole step, you're like, "No," and you're like, "Come on, keep going." (Julian inhales deeply) (Julian imitates creaking door)

22:21Oh, there's no monster, but the way there is not peachy. That's this work here. It's inside. You're like, "Okay, let's do this, let's do this!" and open it. And the more you open, the more you are free, and the less things trigger you. And the less things trigger you, the more you're living in a proactive way, not in reaction to getting triggered

22:41or in reaction to trying to avoid getting triggered. And that's the true definition of when people say your strings are being pulled. It's not other people. It's that. Now then it also gets you to reflect on, well, what does it mean to actually live in a proactive way? What does it mean to play to win versus playing not to lose?

23:00Most people know what they don't want. Very few people know what they want. Gotta get clear on that too. What does that mean for you? And then also shifting motivational fuels. What does it mean to take action not out of fear and self-attack, but what does it mean to take inspired action? And then it goes back once more to being a kid, feeling inspired to play, inspired to create, inspired to talk to people,

23:25inspired to partake in this world. It's (huffs) taking that fuel (huffs) and plugging it back in. And then it's fun, and then it's peachy, and then ultimately you're invincible. Then you're actually in control. And then you don't have to do things to numb certain fears. Those fears just aren't there. And you realize that a lot of what you're feeling,

23:45even emotionally, isn't real emotions. It's triggered emotions, and they tend to be blended together, meaning even here on stage, for most people, they would feel like they're about to die if they came up here, right? It's like, "Okay, we're gonna pick one of you. You ready?"

24:04You're like (gasps). Now if you think of... You're good. (attendees chuckling) The fear, a key question to ask yourself to see if you're triggered or not is, is my response appropriate to reality? And the other one is, am I in control? If it's triggered, your response is disproportionate, meaning logically looking at the situation,

24:26you're like, "Is it comfortable?" Not necessarily, but it shouldn't be (breathing rapidly) life-or-death scary. Okay, so that response has nothing to do with what's out here. It's something inside of me that's getting poked at and activated, okay? Triggered. And the other one is, am I in control or is that in control? Has it (imitates explosion) taken over

24:45and hijacked who I am? With real emotions, which are healthy, your emotional guidance system, you feel things, but you're in control. Triggered, it's in control, which is also why you hear me talk about put your foot down and establish a certain boundary to get some of that control back to let go of it.

25:03But those are two key questions to ask yourself. Okay. And then if we take this example of public speaking, fear of life and death, you can think of it as like, "Here's the realistic amount of fear or anxiety," eh, not too comfortable, "And here's all that I experience." And when you let go, you let go of all the unrealistic side of it,

25:20and you're left with what's real. Ultimately that's living a quote, unquote, "healthy life." It's, "Hey, I'm in touch with my emotions, real emotions, not fake triggered emotions. I'm listening to my emotional guidance system. I'm in control and nothing is triggering me." And then you can also see how so much what holds us back is simply you getting triggered.

25:43For most people, they don't have social anxiety. They get triggered. Most people aren't just procrastinators. They aren't lazy. They just get triggered by success. The fear of success. The same with breakups. Most people run by breakups years and years and years. That's not appropriate to reality. They're getting triggered by the breakup. Most people, when they snap and get angry,

26:04they're getting triggered by the anger. And that's something to let go of. And again, when you do, it's things get lighter. And the overall thing to look for, to also see, again, are you letting go correctly, is look for a sense of relief. Follow that. A sense of relief where it doesn't mean being happier,

26:23by the way. Like you could do, for example, a meditation, and you come out and you're really sad or really angry, but in that sadness and anger, there's relief, where it might've been some sadness or anger that you didn't allow yourself to experience, and finally you do. You're just like (sighs deeply). You can actually relax.

26:42The same as even telling an uncomfortable truth. You've probably experienced this in your life, where there's some lie you might've told or something you were holding back, and you knew that if you said it, "Oh, I would kinda disrupt things or hurt the situation of the relationship." And you finally say it, and although, yes, didn't make things better, internally, you're like, "Ugh, I'm holding less within,

27:03living less of a lie, being more of me." That's this type of work. And then it also eliminates a ton of that anxiety where you're trying to, 'cause that's the thing, if you're hiding parts of who you are, you're always micromanaging and fearing that people see through it. I used to have this again, 2010,

27:20when I first started public speaking, I was really scared. Like I always assumed people were against me, and I had to prove you wrong, like, "Do you like me?" And then I was always like, "See the cool version of me? Do you see how cool I am? You can't see all of me," and it was so much internal pressure put on me.

27:35It would stifle the flow, and it was just draining. Versus now, you see is what you get. Here's me. (Julian sighs deeply) Oh, and it doesn't matter what people think about it. (sighs deeply) All good. (sighs deeply)Relief, relief, relief, and in that relief comes power, then you can truly unleash who you are, and there's not that fear.

27:56"If I'm loud and I get noticed and I get judged." So what. "If I'm loud in this." So what. "If I go for opportunities, I fail." So what, free.