Staying Emotionally & Relationally Healthy While Launching Your Startup – Dr. Sherry Walling

0:11Thank you. So, I always feel like an impostor when I'm here because I don't understand the humor. I don't have an app. The metrics that I track in my life are very different than the ones that you all track. Um, I'm a clinical psychologist by training, so I do track different metrics. Um, but I think the real qualification that allows me to address such an esteemed audience is I am the chief

0:32co-founder of the Walling family. Um, Rob and Rob and I have been married for 13 years, and so we've been on this journey together. Um, so I wanted to talk a little bit about that journey starting with this really cute family picture. I've noticed that this year the speakers aren't doing as many cute kid pictures.

0:51What What's up? Anyway, so this is our family um from 2007. And this was a pretty amazing year in our life. It was the year that we um Rob started transitioning away from consulting and away from full-time work, started acquiring apps. Those of you who know some of the history of the work that he's done know that this was a big turning year. It was the year that he started sketching out the Micropreneur Academy and really became a full-time

1:16entrepreneur. During this year, I was in the final phases of my PhD and was doing a year-long research uh fellowship at Yale University School of Medicine. And we had this little baby that we'd loved. And there were so many things going right in our life. We um had amazing opportunities and were doing really cool things that we sort of never thought we

1:36would we would be able to do. But we spent most of our evenings arguing and we were both kind of depressed. And it was really difficult to figure out how things could be so good and so bad at the same time. We sta- talked pretty seriously about ending our marriage and splitting up our family and doing some crazy bi-coastal child custody sharing situation. It was just going to be really terrible to walk down that road. And ultimately, we're

2:06both really glad that we didn't. Um but it's been really important for us to reflect on that time in our life because thankfully, we've had lots more busy seasons and lots more success and lots more times when we're both working really hard and pretty stressed. So, we need to figure out what went wrong that

2:23year and learn from it. So, in my 12 minutes, I'm going to try to talk about three simple lessons that we learned. The first is about managing anxiety. Anybody in here get stressed with your work? Anybody? A couple of you. Oh, good. Well, you guys listen. Um the second one was about communication. This is really about how to keep our relationship healthy and functioning in

2:45the midst of really stressful seasons. And the third is practicing the big picture. And I use the word practice intentionally because I think it's actually very effortful to pay attention, to keep remembering the big picture of why we're doing these things in our lives. So, first one, anxiety. Anxiety is unavoidable. You all know this. This is part of your daily experience or your weekly

3:12experience at least. Anxiety is also thankfully fairly useful. It's pretty motivational. But this is where my psychology training comes in and I can say this with a lot of certainty and I'm not even exaggerating, anxiety can be pretty deadly. It can cause serious problems to your health and your well-being if it's not managed effectively. So, anxiety in the lunch, let me put my

3:34uh my academic hat on really quick. Looking at this research literature and there is some literature that looks particularly at entrepreneurs and their experiences. So, one fairly large-scale study found that first-time entrepreneurs and their spouses were more likely to be treated with anxiety medication than people who are working a 9-5 job. So, their anxiety, the anxiety that entrepreneurs were carrying around was was qualitatively different than the anxiety of people working in different

4:02kinds of jobs. Finally, or secondly, entrepreneurs reported higher workload-related stress. So, they felt like they had way more to do than people in a variety of other kinds of jobs in white-collar, blue-collar, and professional positions. So, this experience of launching a product, of doing a startup, of founding a company is qualitatively different. It is anxiety-provoking in a different way than other people who are doing,

4:32you know, other kinds of work. So, this just affirms what we all know, which is what research often does. It's sort of like, "Duh, we know that we're anxious." Um but thankfully, it's not all bad news. There's this old research study, and some of you may be familiar with. It's from like 1908. It's a really old study. It's called the Yerkes-Dodson law. It's been replicated lots of times in lots of different populations. And it's looking at the relationship between arousal, in this case anxiety, and

5:01performance. And what you'll see is that there's an optimal Do I have a pointer? Yes, I do. This sort of moderate anxiety level is actually related to optimal performance. You need to be a bit anxious. It's anxiety that made me practice my talk, review my slides, make sure there weren't any lame typos. But, if your anxiety is too low, then you might get a little sloppy. You might get a little lazy. You may not pay attention to the details that you need to pay attention to in order to perform

5:31optimally. But here on the other end, on the high arousal arousal spectrum, anxiety floods you, and you can't function effectively. And this is where we need to be mindful of the role that anxiety can play, or the toll that it can take on your work. Let's see. Okay, so unmanaged anxiety, anxiety at that upper end of the spectrum, damages creativity, concentration, organization, problem-solving, and communication skills. All things that you need if you're going to be successful in your work, in your

6:06startup. Unmanaged anxiety also is fairly strongly linked to a number of health problems. And finally, anxiety that gets really out of control is linked to some pretty serious problems, like family violence, addiction, and increased risk for suicide. This is This is my work. This is the area that I know well, and I know that the things on this bottom slide may feel like very distant from your personal experience, but these are problems that are related to lots of families from lots of different socio-economic levels, um lots of different backgrounds. So, these are things that, if you're not careful, are possible in

6:48many of our lives. So, the message here is anxiety is, manage it, don't let it manage you. And I know there's an emphasis here at MicroConf of being pretty actionable, so I'm going to try to do that. Um some simple strategies for managing anxiety. The first one is to notice it. Anxiety goes a lot or is accompanied by a set of pretty specific physiological symptoms. You don't sleep well, you have trouble concentrating, your breath is shallow and fast, your heart rate is faster, your muscles are tense. You can feel it in your body once you start paying attention. And it's important to be able to do that because that will

7:30allow you to catch it early and know, oh, I'm I'm not doing so well. I need to take some intervention before my anxiety increases to a level where it's going to be counterproductive. The second one, don't roll your eyes at me. It's not This is not just yoga. But, one of the most effective strategies for managing anxiety in the moment, for calming yourself down pretty

7:53quickly, is to breathe. To control your breath, to slow it down, to take a few calm, slow breaths before you go into a different difficult conversation, before you get on the stage to speak, before you do something that's likely to spike your anxiety. Anxiety is very physiological. It happens in your body. And this is one way to quickly, simply counter that

8:16experience in the moment. Another one, keep track of what's going well. This is especially in the phase of a startup when um there are a lot of moving parts, there's a lot of mini failures that go into any successful business. I think it's important to really pay attention every day to the simple things in your life that are going well. I'm borrowing this from an old Ignatian spiritual practice called the examen, in which at the end of each day someone takes a moment to reflect on what was life-giving that day, what went well, what was their best moment of the day, and what was not

8:53life-giving, what sucked from that day. And keeping track of those two allows you to actually maximize what goes well and give you some insight into what you might need to remove from your life if it's possible. I think also doing this helps you realize that there are lots of little successes along the way. Cuz it's the it's the ongoing to-do list, the to-do list that's never done, that you go to bed with each night, and you're sort of stressed every minute that you're thinking about all the

9:21things that are undone. Countering that feeling with a few positive things that have gone well is important. Um eliminate unnecessary stressors. Uh we have had someone help us clean our house since I was pregnant with Finn, so 7 years ago. Um and I was in graduate school and we didn't necessarily have a lot of money, but it was really important because we can't live in chaos and we were both really busy. And this has probably been one of our marriage savers. Getting help with household work, getting help with child care, getting help with your lawn, things like that are actually a wise investment in

10:00your business. I like to say um How do I say it? Now that I'm quoting myself. Um so, hiring a housekeeper is cheaper than therapy and therapy is cheaper than divorce. So, just sort of keep that keep that to yourself. Um another really important uh part of managing anxiety is getting support. Um whether that's really talking with your spouse about what's going on, your partner. Um I sometimes walk through the house when Rob is on his phone calls with his mastermind group

10:31and it's like group therapy, honestly. They cheer each other on. They're like really helpful to each other. They give practical advice and feedback. But that group of people helps him carry the load in a way that I can't. In a way that someone who's directly co-founding or working as a partner with him can't. But they provide a lot of cheerleading and support and it's so important to have people in your life who can do that for

10:56you. And really, if this is an area where you struggle a lot, where your anxiety often might lead you to make questionable decisions or where you're feeling like you're chronically short-tempered with your family, where it's really causing some problems in your life, um I would recommend seeing a therapist. We're not We're not all that scary. Um and finally on this slide

11:19take care of yourself. I've given talks like this to lots of different groups, to physicians, to uh police officers, to other kinds of first responders, to people in the military. And everybody's like, "Yeah, that's good for other people. That whole sleep, nutrition, and exercise thing." We all think we're exempt from these things, and none of us are. Maybe in the short term, maybe 1 week at a time, but over the long term in your life, you will have serious consequences if you don't take care of yourself, take care of your body

11:52uh by doing some of these simple things. Okay, so one thing that I found so interesting about that study that I talked about earlier is that it wasn't just the founders who had elevated levels of anxiety. It was their spouses, too. One thing that um those of you in marketing know, and I know as a psychologist, emotion is highly contagious. So, if there's anxiety in one person in the partnership, it is likely to spread to the other people in

12:20the partnership. And the reality is that no matter how involved your spouse or your mother or the important people in your life are in the project that you're working on, they are carrying the weight of it, too. And I think it's really important to be very proactive in communicating about what's going on um in your startup, but also to talk with your partner and to make sure that your family is

12:43healthy. Um So, a couple of one sort of practice that we have started since our terrible year in New Haven, Connecticut, is that we have implemented sort of a weekly huddle. This usually happens on Sunday evenings. It's a mapping out of what's happening that week. We both have busy schedules. Our Google calendars look like a version of Tetris, um and we're moving things around, but we take like 20 minutes and

13:09talk about what's going on this week. What do you need? Where are you with Drip, with MicroConf planning? Do you need to work a couple nights a week? Okay, so if you're working on Monday and Wednesday night, then um we'll definitely have dinner together as a family on Tuesday night, and maybe Thursday I'll go out with my friends cuz I'm sort of tired of doing bedtime all by myself with the kids all week. And so there's a lot of negotiation that goes on to make sure that both people in the partnership are sort of getting what

13:34they need. We make sure that we can solve our solvable problems. And that's again where housecleaning and other support and help comes in. If it's a crazy week, then we plan accordingly. We also talk about when is family time. Um So Patrick, I loved your video, wherever you are. It was really funny. Um but I want to say too, don't multitask your family. Um you don't need a lot of time with your family maybe, depending on your particular situation, but the

14:04importance is quality and focused time. So having an hour where you eat a meal where there's no phones on the table. Um having time where you're talking with your spouse each day, even if it's 15 minutes, but you're not also, you know, doing this whole like look up back and forth thing while you're looking at your smartphone and then trying to make eye

14:21contact with your spouse. Um those are things that really do lead to burnout in a relationship. So making sure that you're carving aside time, communicating about that time. So that I'm not wondering, like am I going to see you this week? I know. Okay, on Friday night we're going on a date. We have a babysitter. We're going to have time to sit down and talk about what's

14:39going on. So this doing this on a weekly basis has been really important for us to just sort of know that we have a schedule that works, know that everything is covered, and know that we're working together as a team. I I also think Ooh, sorry. I also think it's important to check in about the larger issues in your life. Um Doing a startup, launching a product demands a tremendous amount of resources, right? Time, personal

15:06finances, money, energy, creativity. You want to make sure that your partner is understanding where those resources are going, how those are working. Families do this in lots of different ways. If you listen to the 200th episode of Texting, you'll hear um um Jason and Justin's wives and and me, actually, talking about how they do this in their families. And some, you know, some spouses know a great deal about what's happening with the company finances. I don't want to know. I don't want to know at all. I We have an arrangement where, you know, you make your number each month and that goes into our personal account and beyond

15:45that, I'm not worried about it. So, but we had to work that out. That was important for us. It was important for me to say, "I don't want to know. If you make a lot of money, I'm just going to go shopping. So, let's like be smarter than that. Just don't tell me." If you don't make any money, I'm going

16:00to worry. Um so, figuring that out, what works for you and your family and how that balance is navigated is really important. I think it's also important to keep the vision for your family. Um I think, you know, we've heard in a lot of the talks today that you work really hard to think

16:19about a business plan that makes sense. Josh did a great job of talking about that. Thinking about an idea and making sure that that it's marketable or workable. I think the same level of thought and planning and dreaming and vision should also go into your family. Making sure that that you and your spouse and your children, if you have them, are also pursuing their dreams and are pursuing their goals and have ideas about how what they want for the

16:46trajectory of their lives. Making sure that your mind and your creativity aren't fully poured into your startup. I know it's demanding. I know it takes a lot. But having a vision for other parts of your life, too. Uh roles and expectations is sort of related to how you navigate the partnership within your family. Another thing and then I spoke about this a little bit when I talked about vision is is there reciprocity? Do both people in the partnership um have

17:15dreams that the family is supporting? Um, you know, is your is your spouse pursuing things that she or he wants to wants to pursue as well. So, making sure that you're not sort of sucking up all the dream energy, that it's shared among the members of the family. Okay. So, ultimately, I think the message is that you have to invest in your

17:39relationships. It's not negotiable. Because the truth is is that if you are successful, you're going to want to be surrounded by the people that knew you back before the big payout, the people that knew you, the people that loved you and were faithful to you. And if you're not successful, and lots of us won't be, you're going to need people who love you

18:01anyway. You're going to need people who can help you put back together what's left of your pride and yourself, and help sort of you heal so that you can launch the next idea or move forward in whatever way you're going to. You want to remember that there is more to your life than this work. And that this work, for most of you, most of the people in this room that I've talked to, you're pursuing these um, you know, these entrepreneurial ideas because you want a certain kind of life. You want a life where you make the decisions, where you're creative, where you're innovative, where you make a

18:37mark, where you decide your vacation policy, where you work for yourself. And remembering that, why you're doing it. And remembering that often you're doing it because it allows for a kind of life with your family that you really want and find attractive. But you can't sacrifice your family or your health or your sanity

18:57too much to get to the end. So, I'm not at all critical of hard work. I understand that these take sacrifices and that there's a lot that you pour into this work, and I celebrate that. I celebrate all of Rob's success. But I also celebrate this. The fact that we stuck together, that we have made a life and have continued to make a family that we really love and find a lot of pleasure

19:22in, success or failure.