Why Happy People Are Miserable (And Don’t Even Know It)

0:00- Why are you so anxious? (Julien whooshing) - Honestly, I don't know because I consider myself a very confident person. But when it comes to like loud, large crowds, I do get social anxiety, and sometimes like I don't know what to say when I'm approaching someone or just in conversation with new people. - Okay. - I'm very into my

0:18comfort zone and those who know me so. - Well, let's do the first little test. Scream as loud as you can. (Ashley screams) (audience applauds) (audience cheers) (Ashley laughs) One more test.

0:40Take over for 20 seconds. It's now your event. - Hi, guys, I'm Ashley. I want to tell you about a story from when I was in elementary school. So, I first started playing basketball and the thing about that is the coach didn't really teach me what happens in halftime. So, I went to shoot the ball, ended up shooting in the wrong hole,

1:02my team ended up hating me after that. I don't know how 11-year-olds taught the word fuck, but it was fuck shit. It was a whole bunch of curse words at me. I ran on to my mom and sat on her lap. Can't do that right now, too big. But it was very traumatic. And then I had to go back the next day

1:17and just keep playing. But that was pretty crazy, so. - Did you feel authentic talking during that time? - Yes. - Or script? - A little bit of both. I feel like I'm fighting to come out of my personality and find something to talk about. So I think that part I'm struggling with. - Let's aim for first, relaxing into it.

1:41So, that's what I'm saying, I could be wrong. And to be clear, for any of you if I give you advice, if there's something you don't resonate with, like saying, for you, it's like feel free to discard it 'cause you know you better than me. So take what clicks, discard the rest. But the reason I ask you like is that a bit of a script is that you were actually quite charismatic

2:01and you were actually quite loud. You also weren't in statue mode, you were moving, but it felt a little bit rehearsed and robotic as opposed to just kind of free-flowing in the moment. It's like reciting something. You recited it very well, but there's still again a bit of that (hissing) antsiness under it, right? - Mm-hmm. - So let's start by one looking at the audience

2:21and just one deep breath, (deeply exhales) relaxing. What is really going on with you? 'Cause you put this front on that's so happy-dappy bubbly. What is underneath all that? And now we're getting to something real. Deep breaths and stay with it. (Ashley loudly breathing) Yeah, what's coming up? Welcome it. - I think it's just so hard sometimes, like (sobs) be myself. (sniffs)

2:56- Why? - Just like fear of acceptance sometimes. And, (sniffs) yeah, that's the main thing. - Okay. How do you feel about yourself? - I love how I look. I love how I dress. I think with my personality I really struggle 'cause we moved around a lot like as kids. And so, I went to private school, and I always felt like I didn't fit in because I was always the Black girl who stood out, and just the way I talked

3:26and just the way I carried myself sometimes. And then when I transferred schools, it was like a different ethnicity, and so it was always just hard fitting in. So I just always struggled like trying to find myself and just find people who are my type of people, so. - Okay. - This is really hard, (laughs) I'm sorry.

3:43- You're doing great. You are. This is part of, like you said, I want to authentically be myself is this. And the pathway to authenticity for everyone, it's also not happy-dappy fun, fun, fun. It's through the thing you don't wanna feel. That's the way there, which is also why for the majority of people, nothing truly ever changes 'cause they're all trying to find

4:06all these detours around it. The sooner you just surrender and face that thing head-on, feel your way through it, the closer you're to the goal. Now, one thing for you is that this is extremely powerful, and guess what? Although that little voice is probably like, hide the emotions. Oh, my God, you're here on stage.

4:27This resonates so much more than the happy-dappy, no? - Yes. - Like you could see it. As soon as the emotions came up, it's like, (gasps) like authenticity, realness. Like it's just raw. You're just like, (gasps) because everyone has a version of that. What's most personal is most universal Now, going a bit deeper.

4:47That must have been really tough for you growing up. What I would say though is why does a part of you, why is it still perhaps trying to fit in? Why not give up on fitting in? What comes up?

5:04- I'm not sure. I guess happiness, just being free. Just fully loving myself, say what I wanna say. Just going with the flow. - Let's try embodying some of that now. What would that look like? Okay, so before we embody it, think of, let's say, alternate-multiverse world you. Okay, another version of you that is fully authentic,

5:30loves her personality, just owning who you are. How would that version of you sound? How would that version of you talk? How would you feel? And can you embody that now? - I could try to. - No, try. (Ashley laughs) Do. Ready, multiverse you. (swishing) - Hi. - Hi. - How you doing? - Doing good, how's it going?

5:56- Hmm, are you doing good? You seem like there's some tears but you're smiling. - Oh, no, the wind was just getting in my eye today. Super windy outside, so. - I thought multiverse you would just own it all. Be like, "Yeah, I was tearing up. So what?" That's the thing, own that. - Okay. - Fuck happy-dappy.

6:18- I thought we were like in-script for me showing, okay. - No, I want like, the script is, I want the like, whatever authenticity feels like or looks like in your mind to you to embody that. Like just the most badass version of you. Full self-confidence, full, this is me owning it. I wanna see that.

6:42So, hey. - Hey.

6:50- Is that the full self-confidence or is that back to the shtick? Drop the shtick. - Okay. - I want you to, again, the most real, like you don't have to smile, you don't have to throw in the little fun tonality. - I'm usually a pretty happy person, so I do smile a lot. (laughs)

7:08- Are you? Because, yes, I think there's definitely a lot of happiness in you, but as we just saw before, we poked beneath the surface, there's also a lot of hurt. Be careful not to use also happiness as a way to escape that. Let's change it around. Can I talk to the hurt you?

7:30Are you sure? - Yes. - Okay, so deep breath, let's summon a bit of that.

7:39How do you really feel underneath it all? No bullshit. - Very anxious. - Okay, why? - Because I just don't know what's next for me. I don't know what to think like day to day. A lot of times I am trying to get outta my comfort zone and like go places alone. But I am like super codependent. So, that doesn't always feel great just to,

7:57as a way to find myself. But then I find myself feeling even more alone because- - Why do you need to find yourself? - I just feel like that's part of like my self-discovery right now. - What would it help you with finding yourself? - Being more confident and like less social anxiety. - What, so I like it, but this is something for everyone to reflect on finding yourself or I want to know what my personality is,

8:26or I want to know what type of person I am. Oftentimes, like what I would say is, "Don't box yourself in." Why define yourself as being this? Why not be it all? I don't wanna be boxed in. I don't wanna be like, "So I'm this. So I'm this personality, I'm this and this, I'm everything.

8:44Maybe one day I'm like this, maybe one day I'm like that." No boxed-in. But then also a big motivator of trying to find yourself isn't so that you find yourself 'cause it won't change you, it's like, "Okay, you found yourself, this is you," okay, cool. It's more so because there's sometimes a fear. It's like, "Well, if I know that I'm that, at least I'll,

9:03for sure, know that I'm not this." So that's the thing, I don't want to be this. That's how I'm trying to find myself. What about giving up on finding yourself, giving up on trying to define yourself, or box yourself into any kind of label or description? What about just being? The thing I follow the most,

9:20by the way, in terms of authenticity is relief. That's who you feel. When you are being authentic, it's easy. There's a (deeply exhales) relief feeling in it. You might not be feeling good, to be clear, which is why the most authentic we've seen you up here was when you were feeling that hurt. Was that the happiest thing, everyone? No, but you could feel a certain relief where you're allowing yourself

9:46to actually experience the hurt. Giving yourself permission. The same as maybe being authentic, you'll feel really angry but you're not judging yourself for feeling angry. It's like, (deeply exhales) "I can feel this. It's okay to feel this. It's okay to be me, relief." Relief, follow that feeling. If there's heaviness, if there's pressure, if there's tension, even if maybe at the front,

10:12hey, everybody, hi, we just feel the heaviness, drop that. Relief. And maybe that will mean you will have to go through a phase where there's gonna be a lot of hurt coming up and that's just what you're working with in processing and feeling. And then you'll come out of it but like follow the relief. So, following that again, what are you most afraid people will see

10:37or find out about you? Personality-wise, who you are. - That I have anxiety, and that I get super nervous when I'm around large crowds. Even sometimes going to family events, I get super nervous and these are people that have known me my whole life, so. - What are you nervous about? - That's weird to me. - So back to what we talked about earlier, ask that anxiety

10:59or try to even recall situations where it really surfaced. What was it protecting you from? - Like saying something stupid or falling or even if I don't have a glass of wine before, I'm just like, okay, am I gonna feel comfortable enough to start a conversation? - Mm. - Things like that. - Okay, now with that action trigger, release, repeat. What's the mission I would definitely give you

11:21if you were a client? - Not to have the wine. - Yeah, but even further, lean into those things that anxiety fears so much. Say the embarrassing dumb thing purposely, fully, like that's your mission. Next time you're in a situation like that, you're like (gasps) can't say the wrong thing. Say the wrong thing. Now before things start getting intense here, if you're looking to go through a similar process yourself and receive direct feedback from me personally, no matter where you find yourself in the world, then click the link

11:54below this video right now and apply for Online Coaching. This is my signature program. So click the link and I'll see you in there. And maybe you'll say the wrong thing and you realize no one actually cares, nothing happened. It was all in your head. And that is one bullet ammo (animates gun fires)

12:13against that voice. What it'll also do is it will trigger you 'cause you're leaning into it, "I'm saying the wrong thing," (hissing) triggered. And then you can let go of that charge for real. The thing you fear, lean into it. The same with like, "I'm scared of being boring. I'm scared of being boring." Try it out, see how boring you can be

12:31to the next person you talk to. Be the most boring ever. (everybody laughs) Now, this will also change the texture, to be clear, because once you make it a game, you start finding it funny. And by finding it funny, you also take so much of the power away from it. Like, if you like challenge for all of you,

12:50go out tomorrow and talk to someone. It could be someone you know, it could be a stranger. And just see how boring you can be just for the fun of it. And because now you start finding it amusing, it'll be very difficult to actually be boring. Another challenge you can give yourself along the boring lines is talk to someone, and basically, start a story that goes nowhere

13:15and see how long it takes for them to call you out on it. (everybody laughs) Literally, it's like, "So then this happened, and then this." And just keep dragging it on, dragging it on as long as you can. Now funny enough, that, if you're laughing on the inside, it'll actually in the texture, it'll make it interesting. But then it also shows you like, huh, those things,

13:35they don't have such power over me. The other one is, what about letting people know, "Hey, I'm a little anxious right now." Don't make it a dirty little secret. And what that will do is also help a lot because it creates connection. Anxiety, that little voice wants separation, isolation. Don't tell them about the anxiety, it's so embarrassing.

13:58Oh, my God, they're all gonna judge you. Keep it to yourself, it's our dirty little secret. Creates an even bigger wall. If you just, do you wanna shatter the wall? Tell the person, "Hey, you know I'm a little worried, I might say something dumb." "Hey, you know what, I'm feeling a little anxious right now."

14:13Now the power's gone. No longer a secret, yeah. - Let's say you do take the risk and you do say something boring or stupid, and then you get a really bad reaction that kind of like reinforces the fear, so. - Give me an example of a bad reaction. Say I just did it, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. - So, you just said something really boring

14:36and then I kind of like yawn. Or just like my eyes drift to somebody else and like, you can see how bored I am, so- - That's the bad reaction? You said a really bad reaction is just... My eyes drift to someone that's it. (everybody laughs) (indistinct background chatter) Why? That's the thing, it's like you don't need their reaction

15:01to make you or your expression of you valid. By the way, let this land for all of you. You don't need others to validate it. It's no different otherwise than this is. I guess people still do it. But back in the day with social media on Instagram, every post would be someone's food. If you remember those days. (audience conversing)

15:22And it's the same thing. It's the food doesn't taste as good unless other people see what I'm eating online. And the amount of people who like that picture will determine how much I enjoy this food. (Ashley laughs) Right, and if there's no likes, then blah, the food sucked even more. It's the same thing, it's,

15:37you don't need someone to like it. You don't need someone to validate it. You're saying it for you, and the only proof you need is that you didn't die regardless of what they think. It doesn't matter if they're like, "Oh, that's boring," and walk off. Especially, if you're able to find it funny. And that's the thing, if you find it funny, there's no such, like if you master self-amusement,

15:56there's no such thing as rejection. Because a rejection now turns into something funny. Do you get that? Like if you say that really boring thing, and the person's like eyes are drifting and they're just like, "That's so boring," and walk away, and you just kinda laugh at how funny it was that you were

16:15that boring (laughs) and they walked away. Now it becomes this funny story, this funny thing you can tell. I think the only reason it feels so powerful is because it's really the belief that I already had about myself. So I think that's, but I don't wanna take a look. - Yep, so that's where it's then also combining it

16:36with deep inner work letting go. But the external feedback won't necessarily reinforce it. Just like how positive feedback, it'll give you those references, but it's just on the external, it won't truly change the cause. Nothing out there gets to the cause. That's why this is a inside job in the end that's getting to the cause, inside-job work.

16:54So I don't worry about it being reinforced externally. Otherwise, you could literally hire hundreds of people to go up to you and say, "You're so awesome. You're so awesome, you're so awesome." It won't change it either. (laughs) Yeah, but I'd say practice like find things more amusing. Have more inside jokes with yourself too for everyone throughout your day,

17:14throughout whoever you're talking to. Inside jokes. Inside jokes. And another cheesy saying, which I think is from "The Joker," it's, "Your life can either be a tragedy or a comedy, but that's on you." Find it funny, roll with it, and same here. No, 'cause we're back to her. (everybody laughs) (sighs) So, same for you. Looking at the audience now,

17:44thinking of terms of what's going on inside, start narrating just how you truly feel now, no hiding it. If you feel anxious, say it. If they're thinking this, say it. Whatever it is, verbalize it. - I do feel very anxious right now. These bright lights, it's a lot of people looking at me at one time, I don't know any of you guys. (laughs)

18:03- But no jokes about it. Just pure, just, here's what I'm really feeling. - Yeah. - Zero trying to impress. Just being seen. - I've just been joking about like how I feel for so long, I don't (laughs) really know how to just like talk about how I feel. This is weird for me, (sobs) sorry, so.

18:20- Don't apologize. Again, no self-qualifying. You don't have to apologize. This is also part of it's own what you're feeling. You don't have to say, "Oh, sorry, everybody." It's just, it's like, "Not sorry, this is me and I'm not sorry for being me." This is you and it's awesome, and it's brave and it's inspiring and you should not fucking feel sorry

18:43about that ever. Lean into it. You got this. - Should I yell? (laughs) - If you want, yeah. (Ashley screams) Ooh. (laughs) (everybody applauds) Yeah. (Ashley laughs) Very, very different scream than earlier. The earlier one was really loud too. But you could sense here in the texture, similar to you at the beginning versus at the end, very different.

19:19How can you inject that vibe every day? - By yelling every morning. - It's like walking in the street, stranger. (screams) (everybody laughs) No, the yell was amazing, by the way. But my advice moving forward for you is, one, whatever anxiety's saying, "Hide this, hide this, hide this," strip it of its power by putting it out there or laughing at it.

19:45That's on the external. Also, be willing to shatter the expected dynamics with the different people in your life. Meaning and this is also where it's awesome that your mother's here, it's hold each other accountable, but hold her accountable. If you sense that the shtick is back a bit like a calm reminder, like, "Hey." (deeply exhales)

20:06Deep breath. Be real 'cause you're gonna feel the pull to that reflex kind of defense, positive front. You don't have to always be positive. People won't leave you if you feel hurt or angry or even if you're negative at times. And if they do, those people were never your friends and never actually cared about you, to be clear. Part of finding your tribe, you said before,

20:28I wanna find my people. It's finding people who like you and want to be around you regardless of what you feel. If that's the determining factor, then that's a fair-weather friend. They love being your friend when the weather is nice, when the weather's bad, (blows) peace, you don't want that. How do you find people who like ride-or-die friends

20:48by showing all that is you? That's how you test it. If every time you're around people, you're always positive, positive, positive, you don't know if they actually are your friends 'cause you're putting all this nice weather out there. - That's so true. - Show them the storm. See who sticks around. But by showing them the storm, it also disrupts things. People won't expect it, they're like,

21:09"What are you doing," because they also have a comfort zone. Say, I've known you for years, as an example. - Mm. - And say you're always bubbly, happy, right? And I'm used to that. That means you are now part of my comfort zone where I expect you to be happy and bubbly. If you suddenly walk in and you're like,

21:28"I'm just gonna be me." If I feel sad, I'm just gonna own it and feel it. I'm no longer gonna hide behind this mask. Here's the storm, then what are you doing to my comfort zone? You're disrupting it, yeah. I'm like, "What are you doing? Don't, put the happy face on." And you may encounter some resistance

21:45or pushback in your life. It may even alienate certain people, and that's fine. That just means they only like the fake front, never you. For others, there might be a time where there is some tension, and eventually, what'll happen if you just stay strong in it, eventually, the real version of you will become part of the comfort zone. And it's, you're basically just gonna have

22:07to tolerate me adjusting to, okay, where do I, where? Where do you fit now in the comfort zone? You're different, okay, you're that. - Mm. - But this is also where people retreat. They try being authentic. They get a little tension, and they're like, "This isn't as comfortable as before," and they revert back.

22:23No, no, no. Think of it as like swimming from one shore to the next. You're now just in the stormy waters. You can either go back, but if you go back, that's back to where you started. It's like that's what led you to take the leap in the first place or keep on going.

22:38Go through the storm. - Okay. - Go through the storm. - Yeah, and trust me, people are after raw authenticity. They're not after positivity. They're not after little jokes and giggly. They don't want someone to always be happy. They want someone to just be fucking real, which is also probably, and also to be clear, there's never,

23:02you'll never be perfect at it. I am not always authentic, to be clear. I'm a work-in-progress myself. I try my best, but I'm also a work-in-progress. But I hope part of even the content that you resonated with or that may be brought you here, I hope a part of it was, and I tried to embody it, but I hope a part of it is, huh,

23:22a breath of fresh air. 'Cause what do you see online, it's so many roles, it's actually worse now too 'cause you see all these creators using AI and they're all regurgitating the same thing again and again. All these variations. And then you see this kind of weird thing that stands out. You're like, "What is like, what is this?"

23:39And I try, it's like no BS, just here's how it is. And it just, it's the same feeling that we all experience. You first dropped the giggly side and we saw the emotional side. That's... (sighs) That's what's missing. And in a world where everyone is being fake, drop that mask, you stand out. That is what will attract those people.

24:01That's who you find your people. And it's not attracting them at the front, but who you actually are. And once, if you put it all out there, it's like, "Hey, you've seen all that is me?" Then you could relax and actually be you around them versus perform around them. So bring the storms, deal?

24:21- Deal. - Even if it's not comfortable, even if it's, I'm used to you being happy. Why are you so, why are you telling me you're anxious and now you're gonna, you're bringing down my mood. - I'm just going through something right now. - Agh, I don't like it. (sighs) It was so much more fun, and when we were just kind of joking around,

24:46can you just make a joke or something? - Mm, not in the mood right now. - (sighs) It's kind of a bummer really. You're gonna keep just being this bummer? I just feel the sadness too, it's, ugh, icky, icky. - Well, if we were friends, maybe ask me what's wrong. - I guess what's wrong, but keep it short

25:07'cause I don't wanna hear your whole sob story. (everybody laughs) Stay true to you. Stay true. It's the last bit. I'm just gonna put a little bit of pressure. Stay true to you, okay? Don't fall into my frame. (deeply inhales) Okay, tell me your little sob story then. Keep it, make it fast. - I'm just super anxious,

25:24like being in front of a lot of people. So I just kind of wanna sit down. But I'm trying not to make it a thing. - (sighs) Why? Why, look, we're all here at an event. Can't we just have fun at this event? You wanna drag down the mood for me for them? Why are you bringing down the vibe for all of us?

25:46Stay true to you.

25:49Even if it, okay, which by the way, it isn't. But even if it brought down the vibe for everyone, good. Stay true to you, don't sell out 'cause otherwise, you're selling out for me. You're selling out for them and it's never worth it. If you, okay, I'm feeling a little sad or anxious, never reject yourself in there to fit in out here.

26:14Hey, yep, I'm anxious, I feel a little sad. Take it or leave it, but I will not sell out for you. And if it brings others down, if it bothers them, if it triggers them, the same with some of the comments I was giving you. Like keep it short, then that's on me to deal with, not you.

26:30That's on them to deal with not you. Let it land. You always have a choice. Final thing I'll leave you with, okay? Reject yourself to fit in or stay true to yourself. And perhaps get rejected out there, but what hurts more is not getting rejected out there it's you doing it to you inside.

26:51Stop doing it. And guess what? That is how you find yourself by no longer rejecting and stuffing parts of you down. That is how you start owning who you are. You matter. Your own well-being matters. What you are feeling matters. Don't sell out for anyone, no matter how close. Even your mother, don't sell out for her.

27:12And vice versa. And, yeah, there might be tension and stuff and that's normal, that's part of being human. But all you can do is stay true to you. - Deal? - Deal. - Promise? - I promise. We could shake on it. - Give her a hand, everybody. (audience applauds) Now what you just watched here is just a small piece

27:31of a larger system and process. So what you want to do now is click this video here to see exactly what I'm talking about and how it all fits together.