CONFIDENCE HACKS From Someone Who Was Actually Shy

0:00- I have a question. So when I see you, you are incredibly confident. Have you ever, yeah. Have you ever been shy? Never social excited. Never. - I was born this way. - Okay. So easy. - No, I was extremely shy and anxious. Yeah. For many, many years. My, I'm by default introverted and anyone who's into the whole personality test,

0:27like Myers Briggs, I'm INTJ. That's me. Yeah, no, my default is introverted, which, Yeah. Yeah. I'll, I'll give you, well, I'll give you a quick little summary and we can go a bit deeper on stuff, but No, no. I started working on myself in 2006, so almost 20 years ago. I'm originally from Switzerland.

0:50My mom's American, that's why my English is so perfect. But growing up everything was,

1:04and I was extremely shy, super, super shy at school, didn't have any friends. I was not the total, total outcast, but I was at the bottom. I had one area where I could express myself, which was music. So I had one really good friend in school where I play guitar and him too. And through music I could be super confident

1:24'cause it's through the music, but me, no way.

1:43When I first started working myself, this is 2006, I was 18 at the time, I gave myself a simple challenge 'cause I had so much anxiety where, you know, I couldn't, if we went to the restaurant, I, even with my family, I couldn't ask the waiter for like water. So like, can I have some more water?

1:59I'd be like, like super shy. And even within my family, like if it was a Christmas dinner or going down to dinner, I'd have anxiety speaking up at the table, which is insane. I'm like, that's my family, why can I speak up? So my challenge was simple. I went out in the streets of Anne

2:15and I said, I'm gonna ask an old person for the time. That's it. Easy, right? Excuse me, that's it. Could I do it? No, no. I would walk down those streets and it would be like two to three hours at a time where I'd walk down, I'd make sure I was not wearing a watch. And I would see, like I would first of all pick my

2:39targets carefully. And I thought, who's the most innocent, easy person to ask the time? An elderly person, an old person, male, female, doesn't matter. The oldest, weakest looking person with a cane or in a wheelchair. Ask them for the time. 'cause what are they gonna do? So I would see them and I, and I have flashes now where it's like I was walking down the street

3:01and suddenly I see like there's an old person coming. So I'd prepare like you got this. And they'd get closer and closer and the anxiety would rise and rise and all I had to do was, excuse me, what time is it? And they'd be last minute and I'd choke and they'd pass. Now as soon as you don't do it, what happens?

3:19The self attack. Idiot idiot, you loser. You can't even ask for the time. But I wouldn't give up. So I'd turn around and I'd follow them and super weird, but like for real, I'd follow them inside. I don't know if you have this in France? Yeah. Oh fully. Yeah. There was like in Switzerland, there's like,

3:38man, things like that. And there was like the perfume stuff and and stuff. And I'd follow and be like hiding between the thing like following. And the people who worked there, yeah, they were probably like, what the fuck? 'cause I was not looking normal. I was like, like following this old person and I could not ask for real.

3:55That's where I come from. That's, that's my background. I could not. And it took three months to finally ask someone for the time. Yeah, no, I was what people call a hardcore newbie. Like all of you are better than me. I would not show up at an event like this. And if I did I'd be at the back and as soon as I would see the person on stage calling people out, I'd be outta there and I'd be at the back with a cap

4:17and a hoodie and hiding every part of my face. Super, super scared. So that was my conditioning for real. And I went through this crazy journey of one in Switzerland, just progressive desensitization. That was my first phase, which is, hey, just talk to people again and again and again and again. That doesn't get to the cause though. All that it does is it taught me how

4:38to fight self-sabotage really well. So the anxiety you saw like with you or with you coming up, it's like say I taught you like here's how you beat it. So it's like teaching you how to beat the baby. Super fuck too. But like, but you can get, that's the most advice out there. It's hey don't be a pussy da.

4:56And you get good at fighting it. But at a core it was always like I was playing this character and I can never truly be me and I got good at that. And if that's, you also analyze your strategy, meaning is that getting be how you're like if you have to do anxiety challenges and that's your foundation of confidence,

5:14you're gonna have to do that forever. You realize that. 'cause if you stop, you revert back audit for all of you. Any result you get, if you stop doing the action, you should be able to keep it. If you revert back, you're screwed. So unless your strategy is when you're a grandparent, like 80 years old, you're like, sorry grandkids,

5:31gotta do my challenges, then I can talk to you. Then you're fucked. So, so that was me then that did gimme enough confidence where I then moved to Los Angeles and then things started picking up from there. But no, I was, you would not recognize the old me and I wish I had more videos of the old me.

5:49And that'd be something for all of you. Film yourself now or take some kind of inventory of when you are anxious and when you're at the beginning of your journey. 'cause you'll look back at that and that's like gold. Trust me. Like I wish I had so much more. 'cause people like you, they're like, well

6:04you were always like this. I'm like, no, not at all. - Alright dude, we're rolling. Yeah, this is Julian. Welcome to my blog. One more take. One more take. I'll be updating it regularly with ah this is Julian. Welcome to my blog. I'm here in Los Angeles right now on the rooftop of my

6:31the is Julian, welcome to my blog. How do you keep the confidence about one thing that you arrive to do and to not lose after when you stop? Because - Yeah, this - Is important to keep. - Well think of it as like most people live in an elevator of confidence, right? So here is you.

6:57And there's different things that can push the buttons of confidence. So for me, I wanted to be up here. So I knew that if I took enough action or got enough proof that I wasn't gonna die, it would boost me up. People might use alcohol as ways to, you could say spike your confidence, shoot it up, right?

7:16You might use success, you might use money to shoot it up. But then if you don't have the thing that's shooting up, you fall back down. Another way of viewing it is most people are down here, they want to be up here, right? Say I'm low confidence, how do I be confident? And they try to chase it. Now actually there's a worse strategy, which is

7:36what do most people do? I'm down here, I want to be up here. I'm not confident 'cause I feel below others. But you know what I can do if I bring others down below me, now I'm confident. And you'll see a lot of advice like that. It's like, here's something you can say that'll make someone

7:54feel insecure. Hey, here you get someone to doubt themselves. Little backhanded compliments. So it's bringing people down. So then you feel confident. Incredibly toxic. So most people are here. How do I become confident if I have the money, if I take the action, if I have the success, if I have the friends, if I have the experience,

8:12if I read the books, if I do the course. But it never works because the more you try to be confident, what are you telling yourself? Not enough. I'm not confident. Yep. Only someone who believes they're not confident is trying to be confident. So you never escape that cycle. Hey, I need to do the action to be confident.

8:33I the same as someone who's like not happy. I need to be happy. I'm not happy. So the biggest shift for me, I call this optimizing. So I got really good at this too. And through all that action, I got the money, I got the, I got everything. But at a core I still felt not confidence

8:48'cause it was all built on that foundation. The same with a breakup. If you're taking action to get over your ex, what are you reinforcing? Your ex? Anyone you date after the ex, say you're comparing them to the ex. You're keeping the ex alive. So the biggest shift is replace. So this was me, it's the what now? Paradigm.

9:10I'm not confident. What now? Nope. Replace what now with why? Okay, why do I? Why am I not confident? And it's not this what now? 'cause what now is assuming that it's a static. Instead it's why do I assume that I'm down here? What are all the things that are reinforcing this? Perhaps the conditioning, the experiences, trauma,

9:39rejection in my childhood, et cetera, et cetera. And all of that is saying, you're down here. Well then instead of trying to be up here, identify what's keeping it down here. Let go of all of this. And then it's a constant. Does this make sense? That's why I keep saying letting go. All of this is letting go. Removing. Now, purely when it comes to social stuff,

10:04then there are some things to be aware of too. Like we talked about relatability, learning how to read people, make sure it connects. But that's more analytical skills, basic skills like confidence, anxiety, self-expression, being uns, stifled. Those are emotional skills. And emotional skills have to do with letting go and unlearning not learning. The same with reflecting back.

10:25You weren't born down here, you weren't born not confident. You were taught to be not confident. You were raised in the cult of I'm not good enough. Deprogram it. That's letting go. So a big one is when did it start? When did you start forming the shell? When did you go from being a kid loud speaking your mind, saying crazy things even that don't connect

10:49to suddenly people are staring. People are judging me. Oh no, I gotta fit in. Close off. Maybe at school. Oh, people laughed. Well, based on your limited perspective as a kid, the classroom's, the world. I don't fit into the world. I'm gonna get kicked out, I'm gonna die, gotta adapt. And then the same with the baby example.

11:08You take parts of yourself and you stuff 'em down. Suppression, repression, you disown it. And then you just start acting through this. We all create the like at a core. That's what we all do. We create this split within. Right? Here's you, I'm good enough, love myself, right? I'm whole born this way. As you grow up, split, acceptable, unacceptable, you. What is the strategy for most is we all have the split,

11:32the bigger the split, the lower your level of self-esteem. But the way we tend to go about it is through this, well, what if I amplify the acceptable, let's throw approval, money, success, et cetera. And then you have the anxiety where there's always the fear of someone seeing through all that and seeing all the unacceptable shit. And it doesn't matter how much you amplify this,

11:56you're compensating for that. And it doesn't matter how much you compensate, you're still compensating. So you never actually feel whole. In reality. It's dissolving this and re you could say, being all that is you now. Then you can get into the whole logical breakdown, which is like, okay, well how do you identify what you disowned?

12:18Then you could view it as another model. You could say, let's put it this way, here is the conscious mind. All this here is the subconscious mind. What you're aware of, what you're not aware of, right? Right now what are you aware of me? If I ask you, what did you eat for breakfast? Now you're aware of it,

12:41but it was out of your awareness before that. So in the furthest depths of what's out of your awareness down here is all this stuff. Which is why you've probably heard in the self-help world, there's what you know. There's what you don't know, and there's what you don't know. You don't know. That's the gold. So all these things here, you place them so far out

13:00of your awareness, you don't even know what's down there. And that's the first challenge you wanna let go and dissolve the split. Gotta first become aware of what's down there. So this is where things like getting triggered, 'cause there's layers of resistance, shoots something up. Most people avoid the trigger, what did I say here?

13:19Lean into the trigger. 'cause it's easier to catch it up here than down there. Things like shadow questions, introspection. There's different missions you can do or give yourself, like even social anxiety missions are great not to desensitize yourself, but to poke at what's down there to let go of it. - Now before things start getting intense here, if you're looking to go through a similar process yourself and receive direct feedback from me personally, no matter where you find yourself in the world, then click the link

13:50below this video right now and apply for online coaching. This is my signature program. So click the link and I'll see you in - There. Most people who ask for help or who might come to you in your life, say, hey or vent, there's this thing and this thing. They don't want you to help them. They just want to be heard complaining,

14:08and they want you to validate their complaints. And if you were to actually help, they would even get pissed off. Like, what are you giving me advice? No, I just hear me complain. What? What are you doing? It's crazy. Now, again, it's not always the case, but in most, most of the time, in my day-to-day life,

14:23if people complain, I'm usually like, ah, that sucks. Oh, that's hard. Yeah, that must be tough. Hmm. Anyway, yep, yep. And they have to literally sit down and say, Hey, please gimme the real stuff. And then I'll be like, are you sure? They're like, yeah. Then I'll give 'em advice. But if they don't say, please give me

14:39advice, it's usually, Hmm. Yeah. Yeah, it sucks. Yeah. And you'll be surprised too, how even people ask, like most people don't really want to change and they're just looking to you just like a pacifier to feel better about their problems. Hey, look, I complained to this person. Or another way to feel good about your problems is this

14:58person gave me advice. They're not gonna apply it, but because they received advice, they feel better. The same as if you have a problem, you might buy a course or read a book on it and you're like, see, I'm reading a book on it. Nothing's changing, but it makes you feel better about your problems.

15:12So it's sad, it's most people don't really want to change. And if you spend your time trying to help people who don't want to change, you're wasting all that energy on effort versus on those who are ready to change. It doesn't mean don't help them. I would say lead a horse to water, but only they have to do the drinking. You can't make drink. Yeah,

15:29- Yeah. Because I realize that sometimes I, I do too much for people - And - Like nobody does anything for me.

15:39And I'm not asking also, see, that's the - The other, well the actually the other core belief I'd analyze there too is am I good enough without helping people? That's a big one, especially for anyone who's a coach. I have a friend like this where, ah, you can leave it, it's fine. Like there's a friend

15:58where his value is always in helping others. So whenever I talk to him, even if I share some positive news, even if I'm not looking for any feedback, he will purposely look for even if there's nothing wrong things to be wrong, so he can offer advice to feel valuable. 'cause in his mind it's like, well,

16:17that's why you like him as a friend, right? And I'm like, you don't have to always give me advice, dude, I like you as you are. And he's like, whoa, no, but so as a coach, it's easy to fall into that where it's like, if I'm not coaching, it's like, well, would you like me just as me without the coaching? And that can be something to dive into

16:32as well with authenticity. Let this land especially say at work, or even when talking to someone or even this event here, there's authenticity, meaning stay true to you as we talked about. And that's a rule, never betray you, but part of an interaction, part of connecting is authenticity expression and relatability connection. Where say right now I'm like, Hey everyone, for me to be authentic, I'm just gonna speak in gibberish,

16:58blah, the holy event. What do y'all say? What the fuck is this? We're out here. Hey, but I'm being authentic. - I want my money, - Right? Yeah. It'd be like, well, we're outta here. So that would be say, me being authentic, but I'm not worried about it connecting. So then it's asking yourself,

17:17what is my intention say in an interaction? What's my intention at work? It's to be authentic, but also connect. I want the win win versus win for me, lose for others. Now, sometimes you won't find the win-win, and that's where, okay, next, I'm outta here. But authenticity is also very nuanced. Meaning what's authentic isn't just one thing all the time. Where, for example, say I were to call my parents, say,

17:41I called my mom right now, right? And just checked in, Hey, how you doing? Am I gonna tell her all the details of my sex life? Yes or no? Does that mean I'm being fake? - No, - But I'm not telling her all the details. Am I being fake? Get it. So authenticity doesn't mean telling everyone everything.

18:02It means I'm never gonna compromise me. But depending on the context, depending on the person, here's what I'm gonna share, or here's how much of me I'm going to share. Like let's say I talk to a stranger, maybe I'll share 5% of me, but that 5% is gonna be fucking authentic. I talk to a friend, maybe it's 50, 60,

18:2380%, but it's gonna be authentic. Talk to my wife, it's gonna be 90%, 99% authentic. Talk to my mom, it's gonna be 70% authentic. So it's always authentic, but you choose how much get it, but it's not gonna be fake. It's always authentic. And then your job is to find in any situation what is authentic and relatable? Meaning right now, what's authentic, what we're talking about here, like me talking about these ideas, the idea of authenticity, but there's a million other things I could talk about

18:51that's also authentic. I could talk about a movie I'm watching and you're like, okay, well this movie, I could talk about travels, I could talk about what's went through my mind today. I could talk about anything. So there's a million things you could pick. So authenticity is not just this one thing. So the same is at work. It's like, well, within this context,

19:11how can I be authentic? What fits where I'm not compromising me, but I'm also not acting out of relatability with the circumstances where people, again, sometimes it's impossible, but more often than not, get creative. There's a way. - Now what you just watched here is just a small piece of a larger system and process. So what you want to do now is click this video here to see exactly what I'm talking about

19:36and how it all fits together.