How To Be CONFIDENT (Without Fixing Your Anxiety)

0:00- Think he's a failure. Do it now. Do it. Why are you shaking your head? I said, do it. Failure, boo boo him boo. Deep breaths. Pause. Did you die? - No. - Did you change? Did you shrink? Did something happen? - Nope. - So that was the outcome you fear the most. Will it get to the cause? Of course not.

0:26There's still a lot of letting go to be done. But it is important like challenge that little voice. They're gonna think this and you will die. Da da. The world would explode. Will it? That was it. Everyone think okay? They all thought I'm a failure. Now. On the flip side too, it'll hang on to the other side. If they just think you're not a failure, you'll be saved and you'll be confident and you'll finally be able

0:48to love yourself. So let's flip it. Everyone think he's the best, most successful person ever? Give them a hand pause. Is anxiety gone? Did it save you? - No. - No. Now it will not get to the cause. But that is ammo against anxiety. So you have two bullets in the chamber. Next time people are gonna think I'm a failure. That doesn't matter. You gotta get

1:21them to think you're really cool.

1:25What else is it hanging onto you? Let's get some more ammo.

1:31Look, failure. Successful, doesn't matter. Freedom.

1:40How do you feel about, well, think of all the people watching online. What do you think they're commenting right now?

1:52- They must be thinking, what a sad looking guy. - Yeah. What a sad looking guy. He's boring. Julian should bring someone else on stage.

2:07What else? He's just staring at Julia, not saying anything.

2:20What a failure.

2:24Deep breaths. What's coming up?

2:34Mm.

2:39Something came up. I said, mm. What?

2:44- I think it's comes from like being bullied at school, for example. And like just being always, always feeling like I'm not part of part of any group. Like I'm feeling I'm different from others. - Okay. Just quick question. What would make you different? How are you different? - Well, at least, well here, I feel like I have many people going through similar - In - General life, but I feel like, for example, in work,

3:22I feel like I'm the most cyber there. And I feel like I'm not good doing in the meetings and everything because I'm, I'm shy and I just can't, can't be that good as others. - Why? Also, what about owning? Being shy and being the most charismatic, shy person ever.

3:50Do you realize also a little side note, I very, very rarely, rarely lose my voice. Why? Because I did singing lessons when I was 18 for a year. But I did. Now my voice is messed up, which is why I'm whispering - At times and I'm still being charismatic as I whisper. I'm still talking. People still attention. Look, they're still looking, trying

4:12to figure out what I'm saying. - Own it. What about being the most shy? Like, Hey, hey team cyber team.

4:26Because here's, this is on the external, but one of the things that really messes us up is we feel bad and then we feel bad about feeling bad. You feel anxious, you feel shy, and then you feel anxious about that. So not only are you anxious, then there's that little voice. What if they see you anxious? Oh my gosh.

4:44Oh, and if they see it, it'll make it even worse. And it just spirals. What about I'm anxious again, this is external. Letting go will get to the cause. But external in that moment, change the reflex to, - Yes, - I'm shy. Yes, I'm anxious. Yes, I'm happy. Yes, I'm angry. Yes. Make this the goal. What if you're born in a society where everyone wants

5:07to be like this? You are the goal. Shyness is the goal. How do you feel? Tell us how you do it. We're all so confident. How do you, how can we be less confident? What's your secret? - Own it Always being alone. I think - Always being alone is the goal. - Spending all spare time in at my own horse. - Tell them. Tell 'em. Say. So step one,

5:32- Just always be alone in your free time. Never meet other people - Now - Except close family sometimes. - Beautiful. By the way, pause. I know it's funny and we're going in this perspective, but do you notice in the delivery and passion how it amplified? Yeah. That was the most confident we've seen you. Yeah. Actually embracing your own anxiety,

5:54confidence, not resisting. Whatever you resist persists. So embrace. Now if you want on the external, another, another little tip. I've taught this for years. It's embrace, exaggerate, laugh. - Now before things start getting intense here. If you're looking to go through a similar process yourself and receive direct feedback from me personally, no matter where you find yourself in the world, then click the link

6:19below this video right now and apply for online coaching. This is my signature program. So click the link and I'll see you in there. - This is many years ago in London, there was a client who really wanted to work on his confidence, his social skills. And I went out with him and we're like, okay, let's start talking to people. So he talked to some people and he came back

6:38and he started getting really sad. He's like, Julian, everyone hates me. I was like, what do you mean? He's like, everyone hates me. Started crying. So I told him, number one, embrace, exaggerate, laugh. So I said, stay with how you're feeling. Don't disown it. Embrace it and go say hi to those people over there.

6:54It's like a, a couple or whatnot. And tell them, Hey, I'm really, really sad. I'm having the worst night of my life. That's it. Just embrace. So he goes up, Hey, excuse me. Nice to meet you. I'm having the worst night of my life. And et cetera, et cetera. He came back and we're like, how did that go? He's like, well, they, they talked to me for a little bit, but he actually felt a little bit

7:13better 'cause he embraced it. So I said, okay, you feel a little bit better now. He's like, yeah, go say hi to those people there and tell them you were having the worst out of your life, but now you're feeling a little bit better. So he goes, Hey, I was having the worst outta my life.

7:26I'm doing a little better now. They're like, what the fuck? But, but now he started, he started laughing at himself and it took this seriousness out of it and literally from crying got himself into a very like authentic laughter mood. And people were coming up to him actually saying hi to him. He was crushing it. Embrace, exaggerate, laugh.

7:50So however you feel now, what does it feel like? Step one is embrace it and then play around with it. But to exaggerate laugh, you must also learn how to laugh at yourself. And that is also something that anxiety hates. 'cause it wants you to be cool and be serious. Laugh at yourself. The only way I can be like this is if I

8:10just don't make it about me.

8:15It's not about you here. This isn't a approval contest. So embrace, exaggerate, laugh, and for everyone to laugh, like it must come from you. And one last subtlety, you can't force laughter. It must be summoned. This will be done long term through letting go. But there is external ways to push your own buttons,

8:37but it is still not forced. So here's an example. If any of you ever want to, this is just in a conversation. Want to summon authentic laughter. Not fake, but authentic. It's through self amusement. And here's a quick exercise. I call it the awkward laugh challenge. Meaning next time you talk to someone, just go

8:59and be like, Hey, I'm, I'm Julian. Nice to meet you. He he, how you doing me too? And just start dropping every 10 seconds. He, he. But then act like nothing happened. Now notice within you laughter. Like you can't do that with a straight face. Like, oh, that's interesting. So where are you from?

9:18He like dead serious face. You're gonna laugh inside. So that's one way of pushing your own buttons. But notice how it's a thing that summons something authentic. You can't think the laugh. That'll be the challenge for you, is you need right now to zoom out and say, how can I laugh at myself? 'cause when I do, just like this laughter here, all

9:40that seriousness, it will not get to the cause for you. It's gonna be deep in a work and time, time, time. But for a glimpse of it here. So you get a reference, laugh at - Yourself. - Go, oh, I'm, oh, I wish, I wish I had a cat friend. I'm alone, empathetic guy.

9:59I orange. Orange cat would be sparking my days.

10:08But table trust. Knock all the glasses from the table. So it'll be a waste.

10:19- Then try, try free associating a bit. What do cats make me think of?

10:26Milk. Talk about milk. Which by the way, there is a bit of an authentic smile that kicked in. Oh, oh, milk is a good one for you. Talk about milk. - Milk. Oh, I wish how we would love to drink some beautiful warm milk with my orange cat. Why - Not? - Cold? Cold - Warm milk. - 'cause warm makes me sleep. - You naughty. Boy,

10:53- We all must be naughty sometimes - Good. - Even the social anxiety ones. - Keep going now try putting your body into it more. Move and try being a little bit louder and more range with your voice topic-wise. Great smile after. Great. Loosen it. Put some warm milk on that thing.

11:13- Oh, how? How we would love some warm milk with my orange cat and maybe some black ones as well. I'll, I'll just love milk so much. I don't know what, how can I survive without milk? It keeps me sane. - Keep going, keep going. You're doing great more. - The insane is must be from the orange cat.

11:41- Then think what does milk make you think of? Keep flowing with it. - Warm things. - There you go. What are, what are some warm things?

11:53- Cuddling with a cat?

12:02- Yes. I don't endorse this, but I do wanna hear more. Tell us.

12:16By the way, also just pause. Did any of you when he first went up, thought he'd be this funny? - I'm not funny. I think, - Dude, what are you talking about? That's the most funny shit ever. You are hilarious, man. You're hilarious. - Really? - Do you not realize how like you got, by the way, you are doing what a lot

12:35of even standup comedians have trouble doing. Do you realize this? You just made this audience laugh multiple times. - Is it genuine - Laugh? Yes. Yes. Dude. Who the fuck else? Like raw milk and kids. It's awesome. It's so awesome. But also part of that is you gotta be willing to join them on the laugh.

12:57Yes. Meaning laugh at yourself with them. - I always struggle actually even laughing. I usually never laugh a lot. Well, let's spirits. I like smiling guy. - I wanna hear it. I wanna hear the laugh. If you can't do it, I will give you a laugh to model. Which in my opinion is the most epic laugh of all time. This is from one of the best shows that I've seen in many years

13:24that this guy recommended me. Ready?

13:33You'll have to do it

13:48- That long.

13:54- By the way, anyone recognize it? No. Death note. Oh, you beautiful people. Yes, it was death notes. Yes, but only the dubbed English version. 'cause it's a better laugh and voice. By the way. Best voice actor, the English dub guy in death note. Give us your version

14:14- More. More

14:22- Now. Body into it. Body blew it.

14:28Keep going. Keep going

14:37now. No. Okay, pause. First of all, you did great. 10 outta 10. They were laughing. It was authentic. But what was the last thing you did at the end is he keeps trying to end it and then looks at me. He is like, like whatcha talking about Mo. Why are you talking to yourself down when you do such

14:56great things? Now, back to what we were talking about before. What's holding you back? You, I'm so shy. I'm so stifled. I can't express, dude, you just made a crowd laugh. You did the best laugh. Like almost a joker level laugh that got them involved. But every time you lead into it,

15:16let yourself shine. Now this links to the inner work side. So here's a lot of external stuff, inner work. What I would reflect on if I were you is what's scary about this? Why is this not for you? Is it for him? Of course. Why does it part of you think it's not, why does it part of you think you don't deserve to be there

15:33or you don't deserve to laugh and be the main character? - Hmm.

15:51- I feel like I don't deserve it. I think why? - Good awareness. Why? Why don't you deserve to be the main character? - Because I haven't practice. Not for it. - Fuck that. Not about practice. When did you start feeling like all you're good for is a background? NPC? - Mm. I've always been shy

16:19from early childhood.

16:24I think it, I was beginning, I was just quiet. But then at school it got worse after like being left outside of group. - Hmm. Okay. One more question. Who are you the most afraid will see this video and what will they think?

16:45- Hmm. I think my colleagues. - Okay. What do, what do you think they'll think? What's the worst case? They'll think? Are you his colleague? - We work at the same company I've worked at. We've never met. - Oh my gosh.

17:05What are your, what are your thoughts so far? - I think we haven't met Ev met ever. Yeah, we've never met. He must have, but - I, yeah. - Okay. - What do you think of him? But I'm - Technically your colleague, so I think you're already brave. And I'm sorry to be a worst nightmare.

17:23I think you did a great job. - Thank you. And even though we've never met, I would like to connect and be friends at some point. Oh, that would be nice. Woo. Beautiful. - Now how, without even responding yet, how do you feel hearing this? Because probably anxiety is like, oh my God, if they, if anyone from my work,

17:42like I know old me, that'd be my worst nightmare. I was like, oh no. I thought it was my little secret. Did you, how do you feel - After hearing - She's gonna show her friends the video. It's getting me the most popular video in your work. - I think after hearing her words, I feel a bit better.

18:01- Okay. What if she said the opposite? Hey, we work together and I'm ashamed that you work with me and I'm gonna make sure everyone sees it. - I think I would feel bad first, but why? Then I would - Like we did it before. Think he's a failure. Think he's great. Doesn't matter. Did you forget that lesson

18:18- Already? No. It doesn't matter. - That's right. Now here's the biggest thing is I love this. We talked also before about altitude and things where it's like you can't go back to how things were before. She's actually the most helpful thing in your journey right now. If you make sure that people see

18:36that video for real. But here's the thing. One, in this video, at least so far, you are crushing it to be clear. But the reason a part of you cringes or hates this means if people at work see this video, you can't go back to being the shy little boy 'cause they will have seen this side of you. Important for all of you. You might think you wanna be confident, but if you're known and used to being shy,

19:06although you might hate it, it's known and comfortable. You don't wanna shatter that. You don't want people to see that side of you. That's why a lot of us also live different lives. You might see with certain friends, like maybe you have a friend or two or your family at home where no one else sees.

19:20And you can be really loud and And do the laugh. Woo ha. Like totally chill. Yeah. Do it at work. No, no, no. 'cause they're used to this version of me here. It's we're shattering that version of you. But it also means that version of you was never actually him. You're just playing this character.

19:37And right now we are canceling that character. Yes. Are you ready for it? Yes. 3, 2, 1. - Give my hand. Yes. Now what you just watched here is just a small piece of a larger system and process. So what you want to do now is click this video here to see exactly what I'm talking about

20:02and how it all fits together. I.